Mattress Type

I can’t decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it.

Personal Growth

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.

Turned To Corn

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

Blind Train

What does a blind train drive on?

Braille road tracks.

Frenchman In New York

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.

Dot To Dot Puzzles

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…

I know where to draw the line.

Make Her Mine

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine.

“Yes! Oh, yes!” she shouted, eyes filled with tears.

“Great!” I said. “Now take this pick and go find me some gold!”

Pirate Hat

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?

A sea señor.

Speed Dial

I put my grandmother’s phone number on speed dial in my phone.

I call it Instagran.

Diving Pool

My son asked me, “Is this pool safe for diving?”

I replied, “It deep ends.”

Train Noise

What kind of noise does a train make?

A low commotion.

Wash Hands

Saw a sign in a restaurant restroom that said “Employees Must Wash Hands”.

I waited for an hour, and no employee came in to wash my hands.

Quiet Bowling Alleys

Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet?

You can hear a pin drop.

Cabinet Installer

My cabinet installer was arrested last week.

He was charged with counter fitting.

Speeding Camera Photo

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Cooking Class

I brought my own spoon to my cooking class last night.

It caused quite a stir.

Fortune Cookie

What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?

Unfortunate.

Walk The Cow

Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.

Matador Equipment

Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas …

It’s a big red flag.