How much does a dragon weigh?
Depends on the scales.
My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra.
Grandma took it pretty hard.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
I just caught a glimpse of my wife wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing.
Today is laundry day.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an “infectious smile”.
She had cold sores.
The doctor said to me, “You have a severe iron deficiency.”
I said, “How did you know? I just walked in!”
He said, “Your shirt is all wrinkled.”
Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?
He wanted to have a manta-man talk.
What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?
This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you’re happy.
My friend’s fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
He now sells smoothies.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
I went for a job interview at IKEA today.
When I got there, the interviewer said, “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
Bought one of those travelling irons yesterday.
Woke up this morning and it was gone.
I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it’s not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
It only costs 1c to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.
To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”
I said I’d take either/oar.