LaffGaff
Young And Poor
When I was young, I was very poor.
After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.
The character Pussy Galore appears in which Bond film?
Show answer
Goldfinger.
Can Of Spam
I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.
I think it was a zoom meat tin.
What is the nearest star to Earth after the Sun?
Show answer
Proxima Centauri.
Candelit Dinner
I tried making a candlelit dinner.
I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.
The velocipede was an early form of what mode of transport?
Show answer
Bicycle.
Army Trouble
I got in to trouble when I was in the army when they found me with trifles, ice cream and cakes.
They said I was a desserter.
Malar augmentation surgery enhances what body part?
Show answer
The cheeks.
Sugar Gift
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.
I thought it was very sweet.
Which key figure in modernist poetry wrote The Waste Land?
Show answer
T.S. Eliot.
Missing Mustache
I woke up to find my mustache was missing this morning.
Someone must have stolen it right under my nose.
What word can mean a font, an architectural style, or a type of novel?
Show answer
Gothic.
Bottle Crawler
So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute…
But when I do it, I need an intervention?
Which planet orbits the sun approximately every 84 years?
Show answer
Uranus.
Tropical Fish
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…
Due to all the indoor fins.
Singha beer is from what Asian country?
Show answer
Thailand.
Stubborn Husband
My wife says I’m the most stubborn and strong-willed person she’s ever met.
But I refuse to accept that.
Broken Hearing Aid
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
Which NFL team released a rap song about their road to Superbowl XX in 1985?
Show answer
Chicago Bears.
Cloning Lab
Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
Who in the Old Testament said, “I am a stranger in a strange land”?
Show answer
Moses.
Zoo Pregnancy
One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.
It’s the elephant in the womb.
Pepper Mills
Breaking news: A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway.
The traffic has ground to a halt.
What country is Princess Mia from in the Disney movie The Princess Diaries?
Show answer
Genovia.
Velcro Wall
My biggest goal for this year is to buy a Velcro wall.
I plan on sticking to it.
What precious stone has a name that translates to blue rock?
Show answer
Lapis lazuli.
Book Reader
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Dashiell Hammett’s Sam Spade mysteries are set in what U.S. city?
Show answer
San Francisco.
Beer Book
I’m writing a book about drinking beer.
I’m currently on my 4th draft.
Curds and whey are by-products when making what food?
Show answer
Cheese.
Fingers And Toes
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips.
Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.
Country singer Keith Urban was born in what country?
Show answer
New Zealand.
Mess With Husband
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and hide his stuff where he can’t find it.
Like I put his shoes in the shoe closet, his jacket on the hanger and his keys on the key hook.
What is the smallest of the Central American countries?
Show answer
El Salvador.
Alone In The Bath
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
In what Spanish city is the Guggenheim Museum?
Show answer
Bilbao.
Telescope
I’ve never owned a telescope in my life.
But it’s something I’m considering looking into.
Who composed The Blue Danube waltz?
Show answer
Johann Strauss II.
Insomnia
My doctor told me that I’m suffering from insomnia.
I asked, “Is it serious?”
He said, “There’s no cause for any alarm.”
Home Insurance Coverage
So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.
From which fruit is the liqueur Crème de cassis made?
Show answer
Blackcurrant.
Red Flags
I once dated a woman who was 1/4 Chinese, 1/4 Turkish, 1/4 Danish, and 1/4 Vietnamese.
She was great but I had to break up with her.
Too many red flags.
Which Thomas Keneally novel had its name slightly changed when adapted into an Oscar winning film?
Show answer
Schindler’s Ark.
Cheap Parking
I agreed to drive my wife downtown to see a movie because she said parking would be cheap.
But the parking was a lot.
What type of mythological creature was Polyphemus In Homer’s Odyssey?
Show answer
Cyclops.
Dog Arrest
The police just came and arrested my dog.
He had unpaid barking tickets.
Who wrote the 1847 novel Wuthering Heights?
Show answer
Emily Brontë.
Own Fragrance
I have just released my own fragrance.
The people sitting near me on the bus don’t look like they appreciate it, though.