LaffGaff

I know someone who swings from ropes whilst spray painting pictures of vegetables in cages.

He’s a trapped peas artist.

Did you hear about the man who was brought in by the fashion police?

They questioned him over his criminal ties.

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink…

I’m feeling pretty drained.

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance.

It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act.

I asked for a helicopter biscuit.

They didn’t have any so I had to have a plane one.

I do enjoy playing “telekinetic snooker”.

However, you’ve got to be in the right frame of mind for it.

I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last Christmas.

But it was just my cold field.

I always find it hard to rent a trailer.

I’ve never managed it without a hitch.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples.

He’s been done for in-cider trading.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

If the lettuce display at the grocery store falls over again…

I swear, heads are gonna roll.

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” used to be a fun little kids’ song.

Now it’s a list of things that hurt.

I’m not saying I’m attractive.

But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”

She said, “16 years…”

Two slices of bread got married.

The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

I bought a book called “1001 Uses for Binary”.

When I got home, I was disappointed to find out there were only 9 entries.

I like to mark my calendar with bright neon colors.

It’s the highlight of my day.

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.